Oh! That’s Not Fair.

We’ve all heard our children tell us that something isn’t fair. What is “fair”? Well, it’s one of the most important fundamental values. It’s treating each other with kindness and respect, it’s ensuring everyone can play and have a turn and play by the rules so that everyone is safe and has fun. By having conversations and helping your child understand and cope with feelings of unfairness and building their moral development, you can empower your child to process these feelings with empathy and resilience. Helping children understand fairness is an important part of growing up and will help them both at home and at school.

When children are under 7, their thoughts are very black and white. Rules, instructions and guidelines must be very clear with no opportunity for any misunderstandings. When everything is black and white, things will make more sense in their world. But fairness is tricky. As adults, we see all the other implications. We have a moral compass that goes deeper than the simple right/wrong, good/bad, fair/unfair perception our children have. So, when they are struggling with fairness, they’re seeing things in simple terms of “fair” or “unfair.” They’re missing all of the different factors and consequences we’re considering. We need to help them understand and consider all the information.

As children move closer to 10 years of age, they start to build their moral compass. This is influenced by the values and principles that they are exposed to at home, school, and in the media. When children state that something isn’t fair, it’s their way of testing out their moral muscles and figuring out what’s right and wrong in their eyes. It’s about them trying to find their place in the world. So, when your older primary child complains about something being unfair, engage them in discussions about fairness, justice, and empathy. Maybe not there and then, but when emotions aren’t as heightened. Challenge them to think about the circumstances and consider different perspectives. When we understand what others need and perhaps what we don’t, we recognize our differences and think a little beyond ourselves. Talk about what makes something that’s “unfair” make sense. For example, your child complains that having to go to bed early on Saturday night isn’t fair. Once you have a conversation about having to go to bed early, because they have to get up early to drive all the way to Singleton for a football game, and that you don’t want your child to be tired and therefore possibly let down their team, they will hopefully understand your reasoning. Telling them to go to bed and getting into an argument about what is and isn’t fair won’t help the situation. Providing them with a calm explanation is all that’s needed. The same concept applies at school. When a student with a learning disability gets extra time in a test, some might see this as being unfair. If these students are given a clear reason for the other child receiving more time, they will understand and hopefully be empathetic towards the student. Another time at school where staff hear about unfairness, is in the playground. Often this is because someone doesn’t have a clear understanding of the rules, or the rules are unfairly changed without everyone else’s knowledge or agreement. There is no black and white, just a lot of mottled grey. We will always talk over the rules with the group and discourage any manipulating of the rules that favour a particular child, or favour everyone except a particular child. I’m sure all of our students are familiar with the term “fair play” and the expectation for respect and kindness behind it.

As adults, it’s our job to teach children, that yes, sometimes things may seem unfair. But when we help them to explore the situation with kindness, respect and empathy and grow their moral compass, they will understand the greyness of fair. We see some children at school, standing up and questioning why rules were changed, or asking why a particular student is allowed an iPad without stating that “it’s not fair”. This shows the student is growing and maturing emotionally.